


Heart Control

by Evelyn_Harrison



Series: Heart Aches, Heart Burns and Heart Control [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A memeload with complicated feelings, Alana is the definition of lesbian, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Apple Orchard Sunny Smiles, Arguments, Bipolar Disorder, Coming Out, Connor is so gay for Evan, Depression, Evan is bi but doesn’t really know it, Everyone has complicated feelings, F/F, Fights, Fluff, Galaxy Gals, Healthy Relationships, I’ve never kissed anyone and all of my knowledge is from fanfiction, Jared is Jared, Kinda, Lots of kissing, M/M, Making Out, Making Up, Mostly Connor, Oblivious!Evan, One-sided pining, PINING!connor, Pining, They’re getting better everyday, Third POV, Touch Starved!Connor, Tree Bros, Zoe is pan and only pan for Alana, based off of a kagehina doujinshi Kokoro Control, childhood best friends au, good sibling relationships, it gets kinda hot and intense when they kiss, its so gay, kissing under a tree, they don’t play a big role in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:56:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evelyn_Harrison/pseuds/Evelyn_Harrison
Summary: He stared up at his phone, the bright blue light shining on his face, and spreading across his dark room. A picture of his childhood best friend smiled back at him, innocence and purity radiating from his smile.Connor Murphy felt a craving burn deep inside of him, wanting to explode out of his chest. He longed to hold the boy in the picture, wanting to caress his freckled cheeks and pull him close; roam his hands all over and silence the other’s stammering lips with his own.Groaning, Connor turned off his phone and placed it on his nightstand before turning to his side. How did this platonic relationship become a one-sided love and desire for the other?“Evan... why does it have to be you?”>—<“You found me here. I was playing hide-and-seek when you found me.” The blond murmured, looking up to the branches. “The day that we became friends.”Connor looked down at Evan, who was lost in his thoughts.“The day that you reached out your hand to to me.”He still remembered that? Connor thought.“And said, ‘I’ll help you.’”





	Heart Control

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!!! It’s me, Evelyn Harrison, that person who also is writing Time to Shine. Glad you clicked on this. This is just a one shot that I thought of one night, with Connor realllyyyyyy wanting to touch Evan and Evan being the smol bean he is (in this universe, he’s pretty innocent) and controlling one’s feelings. It’s a bit more serious and focused on Connor, but there are parts where it had Evan’s POV a tiny bit. 
> 
> I guess the alternative title is “Connor is horny x3 and Evan is a innocent bean.”
> 
> There is some pretty -intense- scenes (I guess) in the of the story, so if you don’t wanna read it, then skip it. Not too bad, not like those intense 5,000 word smut scenes that’s purely smut. 
> 
> A guidance:  
> >—< = Fine to read and go on.  
> *>—<* = Ok to read, proceed with caution if you want. Mild.  
> **>—<** = Getting steamy, but just kissing. Medium.  
> ***>—<*** = PRETTY GAY AND INTENSE!! HOT!  
> *NOTE: A bracket surrounding a break point means that it still continues from the same scene.
> 
> I DO suggest that you read the >—< parts at least, they have a lot of stuff going on. The * * stuff is for people who’s young and what not and don’t wanna read those kinda things... but you gotta look at the tags! I can’t be responsible for kids finding two boys almost do the do.... >_>!!
> 
> PS: Try and spot the Heathers reference! Comment below if you have!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy and I really hope that you like it!!!

He stared up at his phone, the bright blue light shining on his face, and spreading across his dark room. A picture of his childhood best friend smiled back at him, innocence and purity radiating from his smile.

Connor Murphy felt a craving burn deep inside of him, wanting to explode out of his chest. He longed to hold the boy in the picture, wanting to caress his freckled cheeks and pull him close; roam his hands all over and silence the other’s stammering lips with his own.

Groaning, Connor turned off his phone and placed it on his nightstand before turning to his side. How did this platonic relationship become a one-sided love and desire for the other?

“Evan... why does it have to be you?”

>—<

Connor supposed his weird, bubbly feelings emerged when they first met, at an apple orchard Sunny Smiles, when they both were seven. He and his younger sister, Zoe, were flying a toy plane with their dad as their mom set up a picnic for them.

As they ran around, Connor managed to chase the plane into a tall, large oak tree. The plane stayed stuck in the branches above him.

“I’ll climb and get it! Don’t worry Zoe!” He had shouted, already climbing up. Once he was close to the plane, Connor found another boy, with a blue striped collared shirt and beige shorts, sitting on a thick branch, while clutching onto the other branches near him. The boy whimpered, obviously scared and frightened. 

“D-do you need help?” Connor asked, standing on the branch beside the blond boy.

The boy looked up at him, and Connor was instantly mesmerized by his cocoa, chocolatey brown eyes. “I-I got stuck up here playing hide-and-seek with my mom, b-but I-I’m to s-scared to get down!” He sobbed.

Connor peered down. In reality, it was only a few meters high, but in his mind, it was a tower that reached the clouds. Gulping, he extended his hand to the boy. “I’ll help you.”

The boy sniffed, “Really?” He hiccuped, rubbing his puffy red eyes.

Connor nodded. “Your mom might be sad that she can’t find you.”

The blond frowned, “Yeah.” He reached out and took Connor’s hand, the warmth spreading between them. Slowly and miraculously, they made it down the tree, with their hands still together.

Connor’s parents, Zoe, and a blond lady rushed towards them, worried and relieved. The lady swooped Evan up into the air, spinning him around and smothering him with kisses. “Evan! Oh honey, I was so worried!”

Evan burst into tears, reaching out to hug his mom. “I-I’m so s-sorry! I made you sad!” He cried, with tears streaming down his face.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay Evan! You just were too good at hide-and-seek!” The lady soothed him. She glanced down at Connor, who stared up at Evan curiously. “Are you the boy that saved my son?”

Connor nodded, “I was going to get my airplane, but I found him instead!”

Evan clung onto his mom’s shirt, but looked down at Connor. “Mom, he found me. I’m not _that_  good at hide-and-seek.” The tears had dried up, but his eyes were still red and his voice still wavered.

“Yes, and I’m sure he and his sister would want to play again with you. Do you know his name?” The mom asked, glancing at the Murphy family.

“I-I’m Connor! And this is my sister Zoe!” Connor introduced, pulling Zoe closer to them. His parents laughed at their cuteness and patted Connor on the shoulder.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Connor. Evan, why don’t you introduce yourself to him and Zoe?”

Evan’s face was full of shock, even though he and Connor were just together earlier. “I-I’m E-Evan.” He stuttered out, his tine nervous and trembling.

“Evan.” Connor repeated. “I like that name! E-van, Ev-an, Evan.”

Zoe and Connor then proceeded to repeat Evan’s name over and over again. Evan’s mom set him down, and the small boy joined the siblings. Soon, they started to run around the orchard, playing with sticks and rolling in the grass.

As they played, Connor felt that someone else, besides Zoe, liked playing with him. Not much people really liked to play with Connor at his school. They would always say that he was mean and hogged all of the legos, which was not true. No one really talked to him after Connor ‘threw’ a printer as Mrs. G, which, by the way, was also not true. He accidentally bumped into it, and it fell towards her. He just wanted to be the line leader for once, but instead had to stay inside for recess.

The sun was setting, and finally Connor and Zoe’s parents called them. “It’s time to go now!” Their dad said, with their mom holding the straw picnic basket in her hands.

“Can Evan come with us?” Connor asked, hopeful and excited that maybe, maybe his new friend could come.

“I’m sorry, Con, but Evan has to go to his home now.” His mom frowned, gently pulling Zoe and Connor’s hands towards her.

“Why? Why can’t we play anymore?” Evan asked, rushing to Connor’s side.

“No, Ev, we can’t do that. maybe we can come back tomorrow to see if Connor and Zoe are here again.” His mom smiled, showing him that it was okay, and not the end of the world.

“B-b-but I wanna be with Connor!” Evan frowned feeling more tears welling up in his eyes and threatening to fall.

Connor felt a wave of sadness wash over him that they can play any more, but he had to be the strong one. The knight that saves the princess or prince from the tower. Grabbing Evan’s hand with his left, and cupping Evan’s cheek with the other, he said to him, “It’s okay, Evan! Tomorrow, I promise that I’ll be here! We can play knights-and-dragons and hide-and-seek a-and climb trees and—!” Connor felt the tears in his eyes. He wiped them away with his black, itchy hoodie sleeve. He had to be strong.

“I’ll see you soon, Evan!” Connor pulled Evan into a warm and surprising hug. The smaller boy cried into his hoodie, staining it with tears, but his hoodie was the least of Connor’s problems. “It’s okay, it’s okay Evan! Please don’t cry! If you cry, I’ll cry!”

“We can’t seperate them.” Connor’s mom whispered to Evan’s mom.

“No kidding. Evan lost his dad, who moved to Colorado a few months ago. He’s so scared that he won’t see me or anyone ever again.” Evan’s mom replied, a grimace on her face. “I can’t loose my little guy.”

Connor didn’t know what they were saying, but he did know that he couldn’t let Evan go. He’ll stay by his side as long as he can, never wanting to leave.

“Let’s go now. I need to cook supper.” Connor’s Dad said, holding a sleeping Zoe in his arms.

Connor held onto Evan for just a bit longer, before letting go, and the warmth from his quickly disappeared. The parents said their farewells to each other, and they began to walk their seperate ways. Connor kept looking back, hoping that Evan was looking back at him as well. He was.

“I’ll miss you!” Evan called out, waving to Connor.

“I’ll miss you more!” Connor shouted back, waving at reaching out for the other boy. Longing for another hug, another touch.

Night fell, and Connor was snuggled into his cozy bed. He laid awake, staring at the ceiling, hoping that he would be Evan, his new friend, once more.

“Tomorrow! Tommorow is where I can see him again!” He whispered to himself, excited for the next day to come.

>—<

From that day on, Connor and Evan were inseparable. They met the next day at the orchard, and their friendship would only grow. Their parents found out that they went to the same school, in which both boys were overjoyed with. They would always play together during recess and playtime, partner up together for projects and assignments, always be remotely somewhere near each other. Zoe would sometimes tag along, but since she’s a year younger, she doesn’t see them as often.

Most of the time, they would have play dates or sleepovers that their parents arranged for them, visiting each other’s houses. The two would stay up past their bedtimes, looking at tree books and giggling.

As they grew older, they played less and less and ended up talking a lot more. They’d talk about how much homework they got, how weird it was that girls did this and that, how they imagined that they’d be friends forever, even if they were eighty years old.

When computers started to be accessible and their families could afford them, the boys would text and Skype each other when they weren’t at one another’s houses or hanging out at the orchard. When technology advanced some more, around the age of 12, for their birthdays they got their own personal phones to text and call. Their bedtimes were not as strict, and the majority of the time they would end up texting past midnight.

It wasn’t until they were in first year of high school, where Connor started to have a weird feelings for Evan. Not the kind that had to do with friendship, but the one’s that he wanted to hold Evan’s hand more often (he already does this, but only for special occasions,) hug and hold Evan close to him (he does this too, but only for helping Evan through his panic attacks,) and maybe even kiss Evan (he has done this before, but it was when they were young and it was a forehead kiss.)

It was the kind of feeling that was like butterflies in his stomach, fluttering whenever he saw Evan. That’s when he knew in the middle of the night, texting Evan at 1 a.m, that he was fucked. Their conversation went like this:

_❤️Trees❤️: It’s so weird to see people dating in Grade 9. Like, we’re so young and not fully teens?_

_imtheartisthere: Fuck yeah, ppl are 2 young. we’re 14 and ppl already do drugs and shit_

_❤️Trees❤️: Language, Connor! >:(_

_imtheartisthere: english >;)_

_❤️Trees❤️: Connor!! >:(((_

_imtheartisthere: evan >;)))_

_❤️Trees❤️: I’m taking your drawing privileges away! >:)_

_imtheartisthere: u cant do that. ur not my mom_

_❤️Trees❤️: I’m not, but I’m your bestest best tree hugger friend. I have the power of trees on my side and I can stop you from drawing!_

_imtheartisthere: try me_

_❤️Trees❤️: *Has sent you a pic*_

_imtheartisthere: aww fuck stop being cute dammit_

_❤️Trees❤️: <3 ❤️❤️_

_imtheartisthere: u know that i cant say no to that face_

_❤️Trees❤️: *Has sent you a pic*_

_imtheartisthere: shit stalp_

_imtheartisthere: ur too cute_

_imtheartisthere: fuck_

_❤️Trees❤️: *Has sent you a pic*_

_❤️Trees❤️: *Has sent you a pic*_

_imtheartisthere: dammit ev fine u win >:(_

_❤️Trees❤️: ❤️ Love you too! ;)_

And that’s when he knew...

“Fuck. I like my best friend.” He said, before screaming into his pillow.

>—<

It just got harder and harder for Connor to not spill out his feelings and confess to Evan. As they reached Sophomore Year, Zoe found out of Connor’s ‘secret crush’.

They sat at a Dairy Queen, shoving their faces with ice cream. Even with their past relationship that would always leave them yelling and slamming doors at each other, both Connor and Zoe are getting better. They are getting along better, like all of those years ago. 

“Why did you take me here?” Zoe asked, taking a bite of her ice cream. 

“Biting into ice cream is the most cursed thing ever.” Connor narrowed his eyes, before making a serious expression and direct eye contact with her. “I have some important shit to tell you.”

“Like, are you planning to prank the freshman by scaring them? Jared did that last year. It was fucking hilarious.” Zoe chuckled, finally getting a spoon instead of biting her ice cream. She proceeded to scoop a thick creamy amount of vanilla ice cream, chomping on it. “Shit, this blizzard is so fucking good?”

“It’s just ice cream.” Connor snorted.

“It’s not ‘just ice cream.’” Zoe did little air quotes. “‘It’s not fast food, it’s fan food.’”

“Did you just—?”

”Say the DQ catchphrase? Hell yeah I did.” Zoe smirked, finishing her ice cream. “So, what were you saying?”

Connor blinked at her. He felt nervous, hands clenched in an attempt to control that nervousness. He shifted in his seat, the ice cream in front of him now abandoned. His heart was racing, and his hands started to sweat.

“Zo, I’m in love with my best friend.” He said, finding it so much easier and smoother for him to say than he thought it would be.

“Alana? Bitch, she’s mine!” Zoe exclaimed, slapping her hand on the table.

“What? No!! I mean Evan! I’m in love with Evan!” He exclaimed back at her. “Wait, Zoe, are you—?”

“Holy shit, I knew you were depressed and all, but gay _and_  depressed, oh man! This is a whole new fucking level? Oh my god! I won my bet against Alana, she’s going to be broke!” Zoe nearly cackled, pulling out her phone to text the black haired glasses girl.

“Zoe! Y-your—?” Connor looked at her, his face full of shock and confusion.

“Funny for you, I like tits and dicks. I’m pansexual, so you can somewhat say it’s an upgrade of bisexual. Not really.” Zoe smiled. “And you’re gay? Right?”

Connor nodded. “Gay for Evan, anyways.”

“Huh. Wait until Mom and Dad hear about this.”

The brown haired boy swallowed. “About that, I don’t exactly plan on telling them at all. I’m still trying to grasp ahold of my feelings.” Connor finished his ice cream, the coldness giving him a temporary brain freeze.

“So, you like Alana Beck, my friend and your best friend.” Connor clarified some minutes later, walking out of the Dairy Queen and to the mall nearby.

“Yup, and you like Evan Hansen, my friend and your best friend.” Zoe confirmed, “I thought it would be the other way around.”

“It could be. Alana might like guys and Evan might _holy shit—_  Evan might not be into guys? Maybe he’s straight? Oh fuck—!” Connor felt that he was hit by a truck of realization. Actually, slammed into it.

Zoe elbowed him to get a grip of himself. “How long have you liked him for?”

“Since last year!”

“Did you not think that, ‘Oh, I like my best friend and that he might not like me back, because, you know, we’re both dudes?’” Zoe did a sarcastic imitation of her brother, idiocy behind her words.

“No? Was I supposed to?” Connor started to freak out, which felt like he was out of character. Usually, Evan was the one to freak out... but then again...

“You’re fucking hilarious. It should be fine for now. I can do a matchmaker thing with you and him!” Zoe grins, rubbing her hands together. “You two can just hang out, but at a romantic place! Like, oh, I know, a coffee shop!” 

“A coffee shop?” He asked, bewildered. _What is she talking about?_

“You know, you two go on a date to a romantic coffee shop, everyone around you will watch you confess you’re undying gay love for Evan, and you two get together!” Zoe laughed, leaning against the outside wall of the mall entrance. “It’s fool proof!”

 _What kind of stories did she read when I wasn’t looking?_  “What the fuck, that doesn’t happen.”

“Yes it does. In fanfiction at least.” She shot back, entering the mall.

 _My younger sister reads fanfiction. Duly noted._  

*>—<*

After that, Connor’s feelings only got stronger. For the most part, Evan remained mostly the same as he was when he was a child, the attitude at least. He has developed Social Anxiety, since his father moved to Colorado around the year they met, and only a few people, Connor and Heidi Hansen, were able to help him get through it. They were the only people that Evan could talk so freely to, without the anxiety getting into their way. Evan did tell Connor that it was harder to talk to other people that still are considered friends, such as Zoe and Alana.

_“And Jared... we’re somewhat friends because his mom pays for his car insurance if he hangs out with me.” Evan sighed, but looked happily at Connor. “At least you’re my friend because you want to be!”_

Even before they entered the ‘best friend’ stage, Connor had some sort of desire to be a -thing- with Evan, but his dad told Connor that ‘It’s just a phase’ in which Connor ignored his feelings.

Now, though, Connor craved Evan’s touch. Craved to hold him somehow, to be near him. It was just more that friends, and his heart and mind wanted to be with Evan.

It started first with just small, pure desires. To hug him, to hold hands, rest his head on Evan’s lap. It stayed like that for a long time. It was just purely to date the smaller boy, but was never ready to go too far. Too deep in hell.

Just recently, starting this Senior Year, is where Connor started, with the other boy’s consent of course, to touch Evan a bit more. Touch his silky hair, caress Evan’s cheek, touch the smaller boy’s hands and hold onto it, rub small circles on the other’s back. Evan didn’t seem to mind. Didn’t seem to mind at all.

Connor knew that shit was starting to happen when he dreamed of going furthur than what he would do, causing Connor to wake up shaken and startled. Dreams that were fake realities. He had dreamt so many times of pinning Evan to a wall, a desk, his bed, anywhere that he would go further.

He knew his mind was fucked up, but this is a whole new fucking level of fucked up.

Connor would be at school when a dream that he had the night before would pop into his head, making him hungry and even lustful for the blond, who usually was a few feet away from him in class. That is, if they’re in the same class. When they’re separated, Connor would impulsively click his pen annoyingly, hands shaking and attempts to pry his thoughts away from dirtying his friend. 

 _Fuck!!! Please tell me that this is just a phase! That’ll go away soon!!_  His mind screamed with his thoughts clouding with just _Evan, Evan, Evan—_

He wanted to control his feelings, his thoughts, be in control of himself.

He could satisfy his own hunger for only so long, only by himself suffering. He needed, _wanted_ , Evan just so _fucking badly—!_

How could he reach out and hold Evan now, with this want burning inside of him?

>—<

They were going to walk together after school. That’s what Evan texted to him last night. They’d walk to the apple orchard, hang out a bit, before going their seperate directions.  

They were going to hang out. Alone. In an abandoned apple orchard that shut down a few years ago. The same one where they first met. It was only minutes before the bell, and Connor’s mind was racing. He fidgeted a lot in his seat, the pen in his hand clicking at a rapid speed. The teacher called him out, telling him to stop. Could he? Absolutely. Did he? Hell no.

All of his shit was packed in his messenger bag, not wanting to delay a second of his time away from Evan. He should be taking notes for that stupid upcoming History test that was in a few days, but he could just ask Alana to write some notes for him. She and Zoe started to date at the end of last year of school, and she was over at their house much more often now.

There was never any disturbance at Evan’s house, with his mom usually out to work day (and some times, night) shifts. At the   Murphy house hold, there was always some shit going down. Someone was always there. Going to the park was the only way that they could be alone.

“Connor!” Evan’s face practically brightened when he saw the taller boy. The sound of his own name from Evan’s lips sounded so sweet and adorable. “How was you’re History class?”

“G-good.” _I didn’t learn shit._  “How was Bio?”

Evan’s eyes sparkled, closing his locker and swinging his backpack on. “It went really well! We talked about trees and the carbon cycle!”  He yammered on until they reached outside, before his voice trailed off and a blush spread on his face. _Was he embarrassed that he talked so much?_

“S-sorry for rambling...” He stuttered out, his voice softer and quieter. 

“No, no, it’s ok. I like to hear your voice.” Connor smiled, shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket before that itch of _want_ and _need_  could come back.

“S-so, the orchard?” Evan asked, tilting his head slightly.

“Yup. Just as you said.” Connor nodded.

They walked there, about four or five miles away from the school, but it only seemed like one. Endless, nothingless chatter filled the air as they walked, mostly about life and other stuff.

Arriving to the orchard, they climbed over the chain fence and made their way to the tallest tree, past the open yellow field framed with trees.

“Here it is! Our tree!” Evan beamed, a hand resting on the thick, smooth bark.

“Yeah. Our tree.” Connor repeated, smiling and taking a seat at the base of the oak.

“You found me here. I was playing hide-and-seek when you found me.” The blond murmured, looking up at the branches. “The day that we became friends.”

Connor looked at Evan, who was lost in his thoughts.

“The day you reached your hand to me.”

_He still remembered that?_

“And said, ‘I’ll help you.’”

“You also grabbed my hand until we were all the way down. You didn’t let go once.” The memory was still fresh in his mind. It was like it was just yesterday that it happened.

There was a soft, calm paused, the wind blowing lightly in their faces. the sun was shining so brightly on them, but not as brightly as Evan’s smile. The leaves above them of the great oak bristled, a relaxing melody playing.

“It’s funny, to think that a ‘quiet, anxious’ boy like me became a friend with the ‘loud, intimidating’ you.” Evan raised his eyebrows, chuckling. “I suppose opposites do attract.”

Connor exhaled, before swallowing deeply. “Why did you ask me to hang out here with you?” He asked, and Evan blinked, looking down at Connor.

“You seemed to be off lately, avoiding me more often than not. I just wanted to make sure that you were ok. That we were okay.”

That itch, that craving started to burn even more, his thoughts getting clouded with Evan all over again.

“Hey, Ev, can I, erm, try something?” It wasn’t fully him speaking anymore.

Evan pursed his lips. “Sure. What is it?”

Pushing himself up, Connor reached out his hand to Evan, pulling him closer. “What I’m about to do is just an experiment. You don’t have to do it. You can say no. You can push me away from you if you don’t like it.”

Evan nodded, hands resting against Connor’s chest. He peered up at Connor, that innocent doe-eye look that he gives him was almost to much for the taller boy. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He responded.

“I-in return, you can’t ask why I did what I’m about to do.” Connor swallowed, brushing a few soft blond strands of hair out of Evan’s face. His heart thumped loudly against his chest, and Connor was convinced that Evan could feel and hear it.

Slowly, Connor pulled Evan into a big, tight hug. Evan’s face was buried into Connor’s smooth black hoodie. His arms wrapped around and under Evan’s arms, and immediately Evan wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck.

The hug felt warm and cozy, and Connor hasn’t hugged anyone like this in a long time. Maybe Connor could just survive like this, a good hug from Evan. Maybe that’s all he needed.

 _Take in this moment. After this, you have to give up your feelings before it’s out of hand. Remember the warmth of this hug, how he feels wrapped around your arms, his comfortable, nature like smell. Remember this._  Connor told himself, pressing his face into Evan’s shoulder and neck. _Because after this, you have to let go of him._

Eventually, Evan and Connor pulled away, standing there awkwardly on the same spot. The smaller boy’s arms were still wrapped around Connor’s neck, but laid there loosely. Connor set his hands to rest on Evan’s plush sides, the space between them wider than earlier.

“Are you ok?” Connor asked, voice much quieter than a few minutes ago. He never did realize that there was a large height difference between them, with Connor being over a head taller.

“Yeah...” Evan gave him a subtle and perfect smile, so relaxed and so, so real.

(*>—<*)

Connor felt his breath was taken away. _Fuck it!!!_ His mind screamed, and his body moved on his own. He pushed the two of them to the tree, Evan’s black pressed firmly against it. The blond yelped in surprise, shocked at the sudden rushed movement.

Pressing his body onto Evan’s, he bent down a bit, face moving closer to Evan’s. It was like an instinct, and Connor connected their lips to Evan’s, stealing a deep kiss, taking Evan’s breath away. His eye’s were closed, but immediately shot open when he realized what the fuck he just did.

Letting go of Evan, Connor jumped back in his own shock, nearly frozen on what he did. _Holy shit holy shit holy shit!! What the fuck did I just do?_

Reaching for his bag, he put it on quickly without looking at Evan. “S-sorry. Let’s just pretend that what happened earlier never happened.” He said, his back to Evan. Connor began to walk back to the entrance, moving across the field when he suddenly felt a tug at the back of his hoodie.

Looking back, Evan was holding onto Connor’s hoodie. “W-wait!” There was a deep red hue that spread across his cheeks, Evan’s lips trembling.

“L-look, I just messed up everything between us. You don’t have to follow me.” Connor grimaced, disappointment at himself staring to rise. “This day never happened, and let’s just continue—.”

“C-Connor!” Evan interrupted, tugging onto the hoodie once more. Desperation filled his eyes, and a sad look filled his face. “I can’t stand to see you in pain everyday! I don’t care what it is I need to do for you to go back to normal, but I’m willing to do anything! Anything to get my Connor back!”

Connor’s eye’s widen. “Y-you’re not disgusted at all?”

Evan shook his head. “I can’t be disgusted by you at all.”

(**>—<**)

The taller boy found himself pushing the smaller boy back against the tree for a second time, holding Evan’s cheeks in his hands. He reconnected their lips, not letting Evan say anything else.

_Does this mean that I can kiss him all the time?_

His lips were still warm from the previous kiss, and heat started creeping in all over his body after a few more kisses. They were getting deeper and deeper, the want and need inside of him starting to burst.

It wasn’t forceful or anything, but so fast and so much that it was getting harder for Evan to breath. Evan had his hands clasped around Connor’s forearms, his knees starting to feel like jello.

Connor pulled back slightly, the two of them panting as they parted. “Can I use my tongue?” He asked, kissing Evan’s cheek.

Heat flared onto Evan’s face, the red spreading to his ears and neck. He looked down, blinking rapidly. “J-just a little.” He whispered, tone nervous.

 _What does ‘just a little’ mean?_  Connor thought, confused a bit. He closed the distance between their lips once more, slipping his tongue into Evan’s mouth. He felt the blond squirm beneath him, not used to someone kissing him like this. Or just kissing at all. The grip on Evan’s hands tightened around Connor’s arms, and his legs beneath him trembled, just barely able to keep him up.

Their kisses became more sloppy and intense, Evan barely able to keep up with Connor’s brutal pacing. He would try to pull back to get a breathe, a string of saliva connecting their tongues, before Connor would pull Evan closer for another open-mouth kiss. The brown haired boy easily won in dominance.

“ _A-ahh,_ C-Connor, w-wa— _ah—!”_ Finally, Evan’s wobbly legs gave out beneath him, and he slid down the tree and to the ground. Connor immediately stopped, terrified that he hurt Evan.

The blond stared up at Connor, his eyes wide and face totally flushed. His body shook, and he blinked rapidly.

“Shit, sorry, I got carried away and—.” Connor watched as Evan pushed himself off of the ground, still a bit shaky, like he was a baby deer learning to walk. Evan padded to his backpack that laid on the ground, putting it on his back and fumbling with he straps. Facing Connor, the blush on his face reduced.

“L-let’s do it again next time.” He said to Connor, still trying to catch his breath.

Stunned, Connor all but nodded his head.

*>—<*

A month has passed, with the two of them regularly walking after school to the orchard. It would usually be silent when they walk, and Connor has absolutely no idea of what Evan is thinking of. When they would arrive at the same tree they first met at, they’d take off their bags and set it aside.

On days that Connor was mostly feeling okay, happy even, they’d sweetly and slowly kiss, the intensity like the first time would never surface. He’d take his time, savouring every little kiss and touch.

On days that Connor was feeling more moody and needy, their make out session would be much more intense and fast paced. He just wanted more and more, his body moving on it’s own rather than Connor completely controlling himself.

The two of them would usually end up out of breath and panting erratically afterwards. When it was time to go, Evan would always give a beautiful smile to Connor, like all of the kissing and touching didn’t happen. They’d walk out of the orchard, quietly talking before they’ll make their seperate ways and part.

Connor thought that he could be satisfied with just that, and that alone. But he was wrong.

>—<

They just finished, and soon they parted ways. Evan smiled and waved, his light and angelic voice ringing in Connor’s ears. “See you tomorrow, Con!”

Connor waved back, not as enthusiastically, and started to walk the rest of the way home. He sighed loudly, looking at his hand, with the other one tucked away in his pocket.

That crave that he was able to suppress started to rise up again. All of the touches and kisses weren’t enough to keep those feelings at bay, deep down where they were locked away and no one else could see them. The edges of his fingertips tingled, the warmth from Evan’s soft skin still lingering on his hand.

He touched the back of his hand to his forehead, looking up at the sky. “It’s not enough.” He murmured, closing his eyes in frustration.

*>—<*

“Hey, acorn. What is that on your neck?” Jared fucking Kleinman laughed, pointing at Evan’s neck. Both Connor and Evan, Zoe and Alana, as well as Jared were studying frantically for their mid-terms at a public library near the school, stressing more than they should.

Everyone’s attention at their table turned to Evan and the red mark that laid on the side of his neck.

Zoe giggled, looking at both at Evan and Connor. “I-is that a hickey?”

Alana and Jared laughed, and Evan’s face turned red. He shot a desperate look at Connor, who gave him a sly smirk.

“I-it’s just a bug bite! There’s a lot of them on my way home!” Evan frantically waved his hands in the air, stuttering as well.

“By bugs, do you mean Connor?” Jared snorted, and the girls burst out laughing at the public library, getting the attention of people around them.

**>—<**

“C-could you stop kissing there?” Evan asked Connor, not making any sort of eye contact. He leaned against the same tree, with Connor standing in front of him.

“What?” Connor asked, his hand in his pocket as he feigned confusion.

“I-I mean this!” Evan pointed at his hickey, and the other marks that was glittered around his neck. “I can’t keep lying and saying that there are a lot of bugs at my home! My mom got suspicious!” 

Connor leaned in close, bending his head down a bit. “Why no? Do you not like it? is it bothering you physically?”

“N-no, it’s just that it’s embarrassing.” Evan pursed his lips, using a hand to cover that majority of the bites.

“Then if you cover it up, it wouldn’t be a big problem.” Connor raised his eyebrows, taking out his hands from his pockets to cup Evan’s cheeks, He lifted the other boy’s chin up, so that they would be looking at each other, rather than Evan looking at the ground.

“I-it’s just that I don’t - _ahh_ \- like it when you—!” Evan’s breath hitched as Connor kissed his neck, nipping and scrapping his teeth along the soft skin.

“Then why are you moaning?” Connor teased, biting lightly on a new patch of exposed skin that wasn’t marked by him.

“I-I’m not - _ahh_ -!” Evan protested, before throwing his head back and moaning loudly. It gave more access to Connor to continue, licking under Evan’s jaw and moving up to kiss the back of his ear. “I-I can’t help it—!”

Evan bit his lip in attempt to suppress another moan, not wanting to be so vocal. “C-C-Connor, w-wait a sec - _hnnn_ \- I-I don’t, I don’t—!”

Connor felt Evan push him back, the space between them wide and empty again. The craving shortly came back, and he tried to reclose the distance between them. 

Evan felt Connor’s cool hand tug lightly at his shirt, and begin to slid up and under. He shivered, breaking apart from the taller, stronger boy. He turned his body to the side so that it would be harder for Connor to continue. “Connor! Stop!”

The brown haired boy stopped, peering down at Evan. He fought the same urge to press himself onto Evan, but he knew that it wouldn’t end well. He was being to greedy.

“L-look, I-I don’t really like it when you... p-put your... t-tongue into my m-mouth... and kiss m-my neck... or slide your hand under my s-shirt.” Evan looked away, breathing heavily and he didn’t move from his spot.

Connor swallowed, biting his lip and clenched his hands into a tight fist. “I get it. Sorry, I’ll try to control myself more.” He replied, watching Evan move to his backpack and put it on. He then handed Connor his messenger bag.

So they were done for the day.

Heading out of the orchard, Evan’s wave was less than usually happy and enthusiastic. It seemed small and weak. He tried to smile, hoping that he could force himself to pretend that nothing was wrong.

They both knew that it was a lie. And Connor was still not satisfied.

>—<

“Connor doesn’t seem like himself lately.” Alana pointed out, and Zoe looked over at her brother. They were at the Murphy household, with Alana, Evan and Jared over on a late night. They hung out at the basement, where all of the video games and comfy couches were at. Zoe had just obliterated Jared in Mario Kart Wii, while the other sibling, the social anxiety-ridden tree boy, and the top student in the school sat nearby, watching them play.

Alana sat comfortably beside Zoe on a loveseat, which was cushiony and soft. They had blankets over them, cozy and pressed close to one another. Jared sat on the ground, claiming a large part of the silky smooth white carpet. Connor and Evan stayed a few feet away from each other, but still on the same beige L-shaped couch. Evan had a small couch pillow squished in front of him, his arms around it and snug. Connor is _not_  jealous of a pillow.

“Bruh, he’s been staring at Evan for the past hour.” Jared pointed his Wii remote controller at Connor. “The intense gay waves that he’s emitting is over 9000.”

Connor said nothing, ignoring both Alana and Jared’s comment. He was too busy with trying to control his emotions and urges, as well as not fully locking away his desire for the boy opposite from him.

He did not-so sneaky glances at the blond, who sat quietly in his spot. Connor noticed that Evan was fiddling with the hem of his iconic blue striped collared polo shirt. A thing that he does when he’s anxious about something.

“Hey, why don’t you avenge me?” Jared pressed the controller at Connor’s cheek. “You’re sister is cheating.”

“I am not!” Zoe barked, “You just suck!”

“Yeah, suck dick!” Jared folded his arms after Connor took the controller from his hand. 

Connor chose his character, Dry Bones, and some shitty bike. He let Zoe pick the cup, Special Cup, which of course happened to have Rainbow fucking Road in it. Nevertheless, they raced.

10 minutes later, Connor easily won against his younger sister, who nearly threw the controller across the room. Jared cheered, bragging to Zoe and those memes didn’t pay attention to the other people around them. 

“Wow, Connor. You have really good control.” Alana complimented, while calming the brunette down with soft pats and touches.

Connor blinked, letting it sink in. Control. If only he could control his feelings like how he could control his character in Mario Kart.

“Yeah! You didn’t play as much Multiplayer games and yet you easily won!” Evan turned to look at Connor, and the first time in days, Evan gave Connor his sweet, soft and warming smile. Connor’s heart raced, thumping loudly against his chest. He doesn’t blush as much as Evan, but did feel the warmth spread over his cheeks. “It’s amazing, Connor...”

What can Connor do to make Evan smile like that again?

*>—<*

He sat in science class, bored out of his mind. It was a study period for an upcoming Chem test, but he didn’t nothing about it. No, instead, he was thinking of Evan. Obviously.

How the soft strands of hair curled at the ends, a dirtyish blond colour that was the same 10 years ago. So silky and easy to comb through with his fingers. The same citrusy shampoo he’s been using for the past year.

The freckles that dotted his face, over his cheeks and the top of his nose. Like a bunch of stars all over him.

Trembling, plush pink full lips. Every little kiss became more intoxicating, Connors wanting more and more of it, more of Evan.

Like the first encounter, Connor was captivated by Evan’s eyes. A comfortable, cocoa chocolate colour that was always warm and sparkling when they lit up. How they widen when Evan gives Connor an innocent, pure look.

His voice, sweet and angelic, comforting and light. It wasn’t to high or deep, but a bit higher than most guys. Connor craves for Evan to say his name, craves to hear the euphoric moans and noises that comes out of his mouth.

Connor wants to roam his hands everywhere, all over Evan’s body, trailing down to his coma all chest and to his curved waist, lower and lower where—

(>—<)

The bell rang unexpectedly, waking Connor from his daydream. He groaned, tossing his shit in his bag and stomping out of the classroom. At least he could walk to the orchard with Evan, where they’d make out for a while, talk a bit and then go their seperate ways. 

Right?

His phone buzzed as we walked to Evan’s locker. No one was there. Evan was usually waiting for him after school... where is he? Looking at his phone, all of his hope for meeting up dropped.

_❤️Trees❤️: Hey, I can’t make it today. I have somethings to do, and my mom wants me to help her with stuff._

_❤️Trees❤️: Hopefully I can repay you or make it up tomorrow or on Monday?  
_

Of course, Evan would be sick of him. Connor took advantage of Evan, and Evan wanted no more of it.

Frowning, he texted back, rewriting the text a few times.

_imtheartisthere: no prob, see u l8ter_

Shoving his phone away back in his hoodie pocket, he stormed out of the school and walked home. He got no text back, no _sorry_ or _I promise to make it up with you!_

Hours later, laying in his king size bed, Connor let his busy mind wander off for a bit. He thought of Evan, and what he might of been doing a few hours ago. The blond should be done, so why didn’t he text back?

_What if he was with someone else and was lying to you?_

Bolting upright, his eyes widen. That’s a possibility! A fucking scary one! Would Evan let anyone else touch him the same way Connor did? Would he be more willing to do so? Go all the way?

“No, no, no.” Connor shook his head, growling in frustration and covered his eyes. “Evan is way to innocent for that.”

_But why does he let you touch him then?_

“He’s either oblivious about my feelings, a secret playboy or way to nice.” Connor tried to convince himself, laying back onto his rough bed cover.

The taller boy remembered that Evan usually doesn’t like physical contact, but seemed to give a pass to their secret make out sessions. They had rules that they had to follow though.

_“Don’t question what I do, and in return I won’t do anything you don’t like.”_

Can he really keep his promise?

**>—<**

_“Connor!” Evan waved, smiling brightly. He stood at the same spot that he always stood at, leaning against the tree. “Over here!”_

_Connor moved though the yellow field, his body effortlessly cutting through the tall grass. “Evan? You’re here before me. It’s Saturday today, and we’re not supposed to meet up.”_

_“Yeah, but I wanted to see you today... and make it up to you for yesterday.” Evan put a finger to his lips, a cheeky smile played on his lips._

_“W-what is it?”_

_“Come here and found out!” Evan reached for Connor’s hand, pulling him close. Their bodies were pressed tightly together, Evan’s arms wrapping around Connor’s neck suggestively._

_The brown haired boy placed his hands on Evan’s hips, the thin frabric of the t-shirt was the only barrier between their skin. The shirt showed more defining features of his curves... almost like it was on purpose._

_Connor moved his face closer to Evan’s. “Y-your clothes... they’re so exposing...?”_

_Evan reached up to his tip toes, kissing Connor lightly before pulling back and whispering into Connor’s ear, quiet and a bit deeper than usual. “That’s not all I’ll expose to you.”_

(*>—<*)

“What the fuck??” Connor shouted, opening his eyes and shooting up from his bed. Did he fall asleep? Looking at his phone, the white numbers screamed back at him. 5:21 a.m. Groaning, Connor laid back down and turned to his side. The dream felt so real. The way their bodies almost melted into one, the heat radiating from Evan. The kiss, more demanding and light. The whisper that sent chills down his spine and straight to his—

“Oh fuck no.” Connor grumbled, trying to ignore it. “No, no, not now, no—!”

(>—<)

 _Just a dream just a dream just a dream!_ He kept that mantra in his head, it repeating over and over again. It continued when he couldn’t go back to sleep, through the day and the next until finally the dream was forgotten on Monday. 

Everything was fine on Monday. That is, until lunch break. He was going to his usual meeting area in one of the empty Spanish classrooms when he heard Evan and a few other unfamiliar voices. Connor peered inside, through the window, to see a bunch of guys laughing with the blond, arms slinged around his shoulders like they’ve been friends forever. And Evan didn’t seem to mind from Connor’s perspective.

It was like Connor wasn’t even there.

Staring in disbelief, Connor nearly dropped his lunch.

_“I... don’t really like you doing that...”_

_“I have social anxiety. I can’t really talk to people I don’t know well.”_

_“I don’t like you slipping your tongue in my mouth... or kissing my neck, or sliding your hand under my shirt.”_

_“The day that we became friends.”_

_“Let’s do it next time!”_

_“B-b-but I wanna be with Connor!”_

_“It’s amazing, Connor.”_

_“Anything to get my Connor back!”_

_*** >—<***_

The sky was darker than usual today, the air around them was all cold and chilled. Connor didn’t, couldn’t really, say a word to Evan as they walked to the orchard.

_I want to stop. Anymore and I’ll get to attached. To greedy. The needy. He doesn't, he wound’t, love me back—_

Evan tugged Connor’s hoodie, a small and gentle pull. His doe-like, too innocent eyes looked up at Connor, making Connor fighting the desires and urges he tried to re-lock away. “Are you going to touch me?”

Connor felt the anger and betrayal from earlier snap, and Connor nearly pounced on the smaller boy. He instantly collided their lips together, messily and dominating. Connor didn’t let Evan say a world, and barely gave him time to breath.

They closed mouth kissed, before Evan tried to turn his head, panting and gasping for air. Connor took that moment to slip is tongue inside, much to Evan’s surprise.

“ _Mmm...!_ C-Con—!” The blond tried to speak, their saliva mixing and Evan tried to push Connor away so that he could breath. “C-C-Connor!”

Doing so, Connor grabbed Evan’s wrists with one hand, pushing and pinning them above their heads, leaving the boy’s shirt to expose apart of his skin.

With Connor’s other hand, he began to slip it under the cotton frantic, sliding up and down Evan’s ticklish sides. The blond jerked his hips, throwing his head back and parting their messing and wet kiss. It gave Connor more skin to latch onto, to mark and ravish, nip and bite, lick and suck the beautiful, nearly porcelain skin. 

“ _A-ahh~_ C-C-Connor! J-just w-wait—!” Evan moaned, before biting his lip to prevent any other lewd sounds that were coming from his mouth.

“I want to hear you.” Connor whispered huskily, moving up to kiss and lick behind Evan’s ear. Licking the earlobe, Connor then moved back down to move back down to the now red and marked neck.

Evan’s hips buckled, his wobbly legs unable to support him. “ _A-haa, ahh,_  C-Con— Connor! _Nnhh~!”_  

Connor moved one knee between Evan’s trembling legs, pressing against the bulge. He attached his lips to the side of Evan’s neck, sucking so hard that’ll leave a hickey for days. Rolling his hips and creating friction, his hand traveled up to Evan’s soft flat chest, brushing over the little pink stubs. He fondled with it a pit, pinching and twisting, not to hard where it hurt but enough that Evan wouldn’t be able to comprehend what was going on with all of the pleasure he was feeling.

The taller boy felt Evan’s arms shaking, wanting to move away from it’s cage, but couldn’t find the space or strength to. Bending down, Connor stuck out his tongue, licking and flicking over the sensitive part of Evan’s chest, causing shivers down Evan’s back.

Connor’s brain was clouded, foggy and filled with lustful thoughts. All he could think about was Evan, Evan, _Evan_ , how he wanted to go fartherm, dirty the innocent boy, make Evan cry out his name, moan and make loud incomprehensible noises, want Connor because he feels the same — _because it’s not unrequited and—!!_

(*>—<*)

“C-Connor! S-stop, please!” Evan cried out, causing Connor to loosen his grip on Evan’s wrists. Evan pushed Connor back, turning away where Connor couldn’t see his face.

“E-Evan—!”

Once Evan turned back to face Connor, there were tears streaming down his face, and dripping to the ground. His face was a mix of betrayal and fear, sadness and pain. Something Connor never wanted Evan to feel and look like that, especially that _he_  was the one who did all of those inexcusable acts moments ago without Evan’s consent.

All of those desires, those urges and lust for Evan disappeared, replaced with Connor’s own fear, guilt, and anger at himself. He tried to step closer to Evan, without realizing that he was reaching out to Evan with the same hand that was used to pin Evan’s wrist.

Evan flinched, pushing Connor away once again without making eye contact. “I-I don’t like it!” He said, rushing to put on his backpack.

Connor watched as his childhood friend ran out of the orchard, away from Connor, without looking back.

Their first meeting and separation was almost like that, but Evan did look back and reach out to him, with Connor reaching back. Now, Connor was the only one who was reaching out, while the other that he held close to his heart was running away from him.

He stood there, the cold wind blowing in his face. Tears threaten to fall, and Connor was letting them. _Alana, please teach me how to control myself!_

>—<

Evan has avoided Connor for a week. He wasn’t at the usual meet up spot, skipping classes, ignoring dozens of apology calls and texts from Connor. If he was in the same room with Connor, he woudn’t even look at the brown haired boy, or even speak to him. His voice was so quiet, _so broken_ , when he talked to the others, and they, right away, knew something was going on between the childhood friends.

They confronted him on the eighth day, cornering him at the school library during lunch,

“What did you do to Evan?” Zoe demanded, hands on her hips. She looked angry, voice rough and unpleasant to hear in such a tone.

“Did something happen between you and Evan? A fight?” Alana asked, the sound of her voice was nicer and more friendly, but it was the exact same as Zoe’s, but well hidden. She was more upset than angry.

“You didn’t hurt him, did you?” Jared’s hands were curled into fists, his memelord and sarcastic mask was taken off, replaced with a serious, furious face.

Breathing in deeply, Connor told the truth. From his budding feelings since ninth grade, their secret make out sessions during the week after school at the orchard, and the end of it. There was no point in hiding the truth, since it would get out anyways. At the end of the long explanation, all three of them gave Connor a disapproving look.

“You went too far, you didn’t control your feelings at all.” Zoe folded her arms. “You let yourself get ahead of what was happening. Too greedy for more than what you got.”

“It’s not just that, Zo, it’s that you, Connor, didn’t think of Evan’s feelings before yours. How he would feel when you did that to him.” Alana pushed her glasses up to the bridge of her nose.

Jared didn’t even say anything. He was too pissed off at Connor. And Connor understood. He understood everything. He’s been reflecting on the whole situation the minute Evan ran away from him.

When the bell rang, they left Connor in his own messy and guilty thoughts, if it weren’t enough already. Before, even if Alana, Zoe and Jared weren’t around, Evan would always be by his side. But now, Evan wasn’t by his side.

Connor was truly alone now.

>—<

“You have to make it up with him.” Zoe told him a few days later. It was around 8 or 9 in the evening, and the two of them were eating popcorn while watching a Disney movie, Lilo and Stitch. “You can’t just mop around all day. It’s starting to get repetitive.”

“I know, I know.” Connor grumbled, “I’m not just sure if he’ll forgive me.”

“He won’t forgive you if you don’t do anything!!” Zoe chastised, taking the rest of the popcorn bowl from Connor.

“Hey! Save some for me too!” Connor reached for the bowl, and Zoe hugged it, turning her back to him.

“Shh, this is the sad part. I need to eat all of this to drown my sorrows away.” She replied, munching furiously.

“Fuck, fine.” Connor folded his arms, pouting in loss. He picked at his chipped black nail polish on his fingernails, concentrating on how he could make it up to Evan. He’s been thinking and thinking for days.

By the time a fifth of his nail polish was picked of, the movie ended and Zoe started to wail loudly.

“It’s a movie!” Connor _tsk_ ed, standing up form the couch to go back upstairs to his room.

Zoe began to wail louder, a bunch of heaves and sniffles in between. “I-i-it’s not _just a movie_!”

Connor ignored her, stomping upstairs to battle Zoe’s cries. He was greeted with his mom and dad sitting at the dining room table, quietly chatting. They noticed him, and waved him over to sit with them.

He did, reluctantly, taking a seat farthest from them. He said nothing, waiting for them to start.

“How was the movie?” Cynthia asked, smiling fondly.

“It was ok.” Connor replied. He barely remembered any of it, but pretended like he knew what was going on. The two of them nodded, before continuing.

“How is your sister?” Larry said, putting his phone face down on the table counter, pushing it away. He usually doesn’t do that, either always reading the news on his phone or the television, or working in his office.

“She’s fine. If you mean fine as crying her eyes out, yeah, fine.” Connor spoke, somewhat sarcastic. He tapped on the cool table’s surface, looking away from them. His nails clicked in an unnatural pattern, annoying himself and his parents.

There was a short pause, before Larry tried to advance the conversation. “How is your friend, Evan?”

Connor immediately froze up, his tapping stopped midway.

“Yes, Evan! We haven’t seen his around for a while!” His mom added, her tone a bit more cheerful. She was glad that Connor still has a close friend, and regularly makes them a special dinner when he comes over.

“He’s... okay.” Connor forced out, it being much harder than usual. _He’s not fine. You hurt him and now he hates you._  That voice whispered in his head, laughing and prodding. It echoed, the words repeating over and over again. _He doesn’t forgive you. He won’t ever._

His parents must of noticed something, and they both reached out to Connor, Cynthia placing her hand of on top of Connor’s and Larry putting a firm hand on Connor’s shoulder.

A bunch of emotions swelled up inside, tumbling and clustering his mind. All of his thoughts that he tried to settle down were spurring up again, rough and violently attacking him. A storm clouded over him, rain pouring everywhere. He didn’t know that tears were falling until his mom dabbed tissues under his eyes to wipe them away.

After she finished, she pulled him into a a motherly hug. Patting his back, she talked softly to him. “You can tell us what’s wrong. We’ll listen.”

“We’re your parents. We’re here to help you.” Larry nodded, a bit of an unusual, a stiff smile coming right after. Connor knew that both of them didn’t;t really know how to parent that well, especially when it was about their feelings. They were making it up as they go.

“Are you sure? You might hate me if I do.” Connor said after Cynthia pulled back from the hug, her white cardigan stained with tears. Connor swallowed, unsure if he could trust them. Even with all they have been through together, he feared that he might push them away like before.

“We’re sure. Tell us what you’re going through.” Cynthia took a seat beside him, holding her hands on her lap.

Breathing in, he tried to sort his ideas and thoughts together in a string of at least understandable sentences. _I never thought that’ll happen so soon... but if I wait for it, I might not be able to say it later on._

“Mom... Dad... I’m gay.” He paused, “And I’m in love with my best friend Evan.”

Another longer pause, and no one said anything. Connor waited for their reactions, and instantly wanted to take back what he said. His parents will probably disown him, throw him out to the streets, and never talk to him again. Never let him talk to Zoe either.

Sucking in a deep breath, he somehow found the courage to look back up at them, his neck sore from looking down. Their faces with a mixed of surprise and shock. 

Cynthia was the first one to say anything. She wrapped her arms around him again, the hug tighter this time. “Oh, hun, that’s okay!”

Larry nodded as well. “I never expected my son to be gay... or in love with his best friend of 10 years. But it’s not a problem at all.”

“Yeah, we love you for being you, the good and the bad. We won’t stop loving you because you’re gay, or that you love Evan.” 

Relief washed over him, and he hugged his mom back. _Oh fuck, thank god, holy shit, oh my god, what the hell, it’s okay?_  His mind raced faster than Sonic the Hedgehog, and he sighed out. 

After the little commotion calmed down, the weight on his shoulders diminished. He nearly forgot everything else he was going to talk about until his mom brought it up.

“So... what happened with Evan?”

Connor blinked, the rest of reality hitting him like a train. _Oh fuck, I didn’t think this through._  He gave them a stressed look, gulping. “About that...”

>—<

How did he end up in front of Evan’s front door, at 11 o’clock at night, with a bouquet of Evan’s favourite mix of flowers in hand?

 _Oh right, I told my parents about everything after I came out. They sent me to go buy a bouquet of flowers and apologize to Evan right away..._  Connor stared up at the sky, the starts shining back at him.

 _But at 11? That’s a bit extreme..._  He chewed on the inside of his lip. _But for this circumstance, I guess not._

His eyes wondered to Evan’s room, the light was still on. Lucky for him. Heidi’s car was also not parked in the driveway. She must be working a night shift. Leaving Evan home alone. Maybe not so lucky for Evan or Connor. 

Reaching out his empty hand, his fingers hovered near the doorbell. _I’m going to do it! I’m going to do it! Press the damn button—!_  

Instead of pressing it, he pulled his hand back like an idiot. If he would do that, or knock on the door, Evan might call the cops -if he can make a call properly- in which Connor would go to jail and never be able to make it up with Evan. If he knocked and said it was him, Evan might think it’s some psychopath with a trench coat trying to break in the house. 

“I know, I can call or text...” Connor stopped mid sentence. Evan hasn’t responded to any of his calls, voicemails or texts. Why would he now?

“Dammit.” Connor shoved his phone away, thinking of another way to get Evan’s attention. He glanced around, and spotted the tree in front of Evan’s window. _Of course!_  The tree that they would climb on and sneak out to get ice-cream at A La Mode, but would alway’s get caught sneaking back in. 

Walking to the tree, he hauled himself up with one hand, the other hand putting the small bouquet of flowers in his mouth, the wrapper uncomfortable in his mouth. He made his way up the tree, scooching over to the thick branch that was pointing to Evan’s window. 

Suddenly, Evan’s light blue curtain opened, revealing Evan in his thin blue tee and shorts, staring back at Connor.

 _Shit, I forgot how cute Evan looks in his pajamas!_ Connor immediately blushed, his mind unfocused on his goal. He felt his hand slip, and Connor fell to the ground with a loud _thump_.

30 seconds later, Evan burst through the front door and to Connor, who was still on his back in shock.

“Oh my god, Connor, are you ok?” Evan panicked, getting onto his knees to see if the brown haired boy was hurt at all.

Connor pushed himself off of the ground, letting the bouquet of flowers drop from his mout. “Never better.” He replied, rubbing his back. He winced at the slight pain, but he felt fine. Just an adrenaline rush. If anything, he’d feel something tomorrow.

They were quiet for a few moments, before Evan slapped his arm. “What were you doing up in a tree like that?” He demanded, worriedly.

Connor looked at the bouquet in his hand, and he tried to remember what he rehearse hours ago. “Uhh, I wanted to give this to you.” He said plainly, taking the bouquet and holding it out to Evan.

Evan gasped softly, gently taking the bouquet of assorted flowers from his hand. “White tulips... purple hyacinths, and yellow daffodils? They’re my favourite flowers...” He murmured, admiring them. 

“Yeah...” Connor put his hand on the back of his neck, blushing.

They sat awkwardly, before Evan abruptly stood up. “Well, since you’ve made it all the way here, I suppose I have to invite you in.” He said, flowers clasped in his hands.

The taller boy swallowed, nodding. He stood up, making sure that there was no dirt on him, and he followed Evan into his house. It was the same as before, furniture pressed up against the eggshell coloured walls, photographs of Evan and his mom, or Evan with Connor, hanging down.

The blond got an empty, white cylinder vase, putting the flowers in and filling it with water from the kitchen tap. He placed them with the rest of the plants Connor has given him over the years. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Evan asked, and Connor shook his head, not wanting to burden Evan with another dish to wash.

Evan led Connor upstairs to his bedroom down the hall. The same blue painted walls, simple light blue bedsheets and cover, and blue curtains. The same white desk with Evan’s backpack leaning against the swirly chair, and a few notebooks and pencils on the desk.

The same picture of them when they were 10, the two of them smiling happily. They were at the orchard that day, playing with the orange and yellow leaves that fell during the fall. Connor remembered that day well. Their parents took them out for ice cream at A La Mode, Connor getting chocolate and Evan getting vanilla. Both of them played there for hours till end, laughing and jumping and screaming like how they should. It was the last day that the orchard was open, the last day that they could play there, just the two of them. 

Evan sat down on his bed, legs hanging over the edge. He tapped the spot beside him, and Connor moved to the spot, taking at seat but not too close this time.

“So...” Connor drawled out, hands loosely connected together.

“So...” Evan repeated, head tilting down and his hair fell to the sides of his round face.

Connor swallowed. “You’re... not mad at me?”

Evan shook his head. “Oh, I’m mad at you. In the beginning, anyways. Now... not as much.”

“But I _assaulted_  you! How are you not mad? Connor shouted, before apologizing and lowering his voice.

“Yes, you did. And it’s not ok. It’s not okay what you did.” Evan smiled sadly, eyes lowering. “It’s hard to forgive people, you know?”

Connor nodded, shifting slightly. “It’s not. I don’t forgive myself.” He stopped, trying to think of what to say next. “And you shouldn’t forgive me and my actions.”

Evan sighed. “I shouldn’t.” He blinked once. Twice. “But I do.”

The taller boy’s head snapped up. “What? Evan, what I did to you was terrible! If you forgive me, I might hurt you again! And I can’t do that! I can’t!”

Evan reached out, placing his calloused hand onto Connor’s knee. “I know that, Connor. But I know that you won’t, you won’t hurt me.”

Connor clenched his jaw, waiting for Evan to continue. He arched his back, looking at his folded hands in front of him. He bounced his leg, time ticking slowly.

Finally, Evan continued. His voice was kind and gentle. “When you love somebody, you wouldn’t hurt them. You cherish and treasure them. Appreciate and trust them. Fights happen. You argue, you shout, you cry. All relationships have them. It’s the aftermath of it, if you grow up and forgive them, move on, or let it get to you and break it off. Fight’s make you grow as a person.”

Connor chewed on his inner check, glancing up at Evan, who looked at the picture of them on his desk. “W-what?”

“When you love someone, you want to be the best person you can be for them. You want to stay by there side and never leave them, because if you do, you’ll be alone. They’ll be alone. It’s almost like you can’t live without them. You want to touch them, hold them closer and never let go. You want them as a whole. A true person that they are...”

Another pause. “If it’s not that, it’s not love.”

Tears started to fall for the second time of the dy, Connor hurriedly wiping them away with his hoodie sleeve, sniffling. He notice Evan reach up and out for Connor’s hand, entangling them together.

“I might not be able to forgive you and move on now, but that doesn’t mean that _we_  can’t move on.”

Through his blurry vision, Connor saw Evan’s pure and real smile. Evan opened his hearts, their hands letting go and he wrapped them around Connor. Tears sprung from Connor’s eyes, and he returned the hug, hands clutched to the frabric and tears soaking the shirt. They stayed like that for a while, with Evan soothingly calming the other boy down. 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! Evan, I never wanted to hurt you!” Connor said into Evan’s shirt.

Evan hushed him, soft pats and drawing comforting circles on Connor’s back. “It’s okay, Con. I’m ok.”

After the tears dried up and they pulled away from each other, Connor missing Evan’s touch.

“I don’t usually see you cry often... I’m the one that cries.” Evan said, a little giggle in between. “What a turn of events.”

“Oh, shush!” Connor pushed Evan playfully.

“It’s true!” Evan laughed, playfully shoving Connor back.

“Well, the truth hurts.” Connor pouted, removing his hands from Evan.

“When does it not?” Evan laugh died down, and they made eye contact with each other, the first time in weeks. Connor stared into his eyes, noticing that it sparkled like the stars he saw earlier. 

_Again with those beautiful eyes, dammit!_

“H-how long?” Evan asked, surprising Connor a bit.

“How long what?” Connor repeated, slightly confused.

“You know... the...” Evan trailed off, doing his adorable little head tilt.

Connor blinked. “How long I’ve liked you for?” He guessed, and the blond nodded. “Well, I did fall for you earlier.”

Blushing, Evan pushed Connor again. “Oh my gosh, _Connor!_ ”

Grinning, he waited for Evan to settle down before answering. “I think... since Grade 9.”

The smaller boy smiled, a little dimple on his cheek. “Really? Why? How?”

He blushed, scratching the back of his head. “The text with dating in Grade 9, and you taking my drawing privileges away.”

Evan blinked a few times, before burst out laughing. “That text! Yeah, I remember it.”’

Nodding, he re-folded his hands together, the same question in mind. “What about you?”

Red covered his face once more, and Evan bit his lip gently. “T-this year, actually. When I asked you to hang out with me at the orchard, it was the day that I confirmed my feelings. That I liked you.”

Connor felt breathless, totally in love with the boy in front of him. “Wow... you didn’t seem to pick up any of the clues or hints that I left.”

The blond winced, “Yeah, I’m kinda oblivous about things like that.”

“No kidding.”

Another hesitation between them. It was getting old, all of this awkward moments. Connor swallowed, tapping his fingers against the bed covers. He listened to Evan hum quietly, the tune beautiful to listen to. Regaining his confidence, posture straightening, he asked, “C-can I kiss you?”

Moving closer, Evan pressed their lips together. The kiss was like the first time, sweet and soft, blissful and pleasant. “You don’t have to ask anymore...” 

Intertwining their hands, Connor returned the kiss. Pulling away moments later, he brushed the dirty blond strands of hair out of Evan’s pink face. “What does that make us?”

Evan thought for a moment, “What ever you want us to be.”

“Boyfriends, then?” Connor asked, heart thumping against his chest loudly. He felt that Evan could heart it as well.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Evan beamed, and the two of them re-closed the distance between them with another sweet kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to make this as gay as I could. All of the fanfiction and dj’s helped me achieve the level of gayness that was neccesary for this to turn out okay. 
> 
> This fic is inspired/based on Kokoro Control, and kagehina doujinshi by bubunhanten. I love her works and that story specifically. There’s two parts of the dj, but this story is just going to be a hell of a long ones shot. You can find the dj on MyReadingManga, but beware!! There’s a lot of gross ads that you have to be careful of.
> 
> At first, it was supposed to be a silly maximum 10 page one shot, but it ended up to be a really serious 30 page one???? That ending is what got meeeee... 
> 
> AlSO!! I did some research for the flowers that Connor gave to Evan. They mean for forgiveness and a few other things! Here’s the link of it: https://www.hunker.com/12403595/flowers-that-mean-forgiveness 
> 
> If any of you want me to make some sort of sequel or part two, like in Evan’s POV or something, an aftermath maybe, then comment below!! 
> 
> PS: I’m still stuck on the 7th chapter of Time to Shine... and so tired from typing out 30 pages of gayness...... but I will get it done! Just, don’t know how long....
> 
> Any errors that you see, tell me and I’ll fix them! Until next time!!  
> Evelyn Harrison :)


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